The Man Who Ate a Yellow pages

http://blog.brightpages.com/the-man-who-ate-the-yellow-pages/

“Yesterday, while researching some new content ideas for this our humble blog, I discovered something so incredibly awesome that I can’t resist the urge to share it with you.”

“Incredibly awesome”?!?
THAT’S BETTER THAN THAT TIME MY LAST GIRLFRIEND FAKED AN ORGASM!!
HELL YEAH!!
(Amie, if you read this, I’m (Not) joking)

So, I have to get in contact with them, which I’m not too sure how, but I’ll find a way.
Or I could just look at the “Contact us” section and send an email to them.
But it’s 2 in the morning
On a Sunday (So it’s Saturday night)
Not in the best state of mind to be sending emails that would basically say

“HELL YEAH!!
I’LL EAT ANYTHING YOU TELL ME TO!!
YOU WANT A BIOGRAPHY DEAL?
I’LL DO THAT!!
RIGHT NOW

‘The Biography of Directorygut

Directory gut was born
He grew up
He has a pet dog
HE IS FUCKING AWESOME’

SO, YOU JUST GIVE ME A CHEQUE FOR A BILLION POUNDS (Ask Obama for a bail-out fund in March, I’m sure that’ll work) AND I’LL GET TO EATING PAPER RIGHT AWAY
XXXXXX”

/cruise control

Anyway, this has spawned new life into my paper eating ways which I have taken part in since I were a wee youngun’.
I don’t know what else to say, really.

Other than the cuss words make my blog totally God-damn Jesus-fucking amazing.

Right, to accompany my Qu’ran I have ordered a Bible.

The Qu’ran is in English.

The Bible is in Arabic.

I would try and find another phone book, but by now most people have thrown them out, and if they haven’t it’s because they want them and don’t want me to eat them.

So in the mean time I’ll try and get a normal New Testament and eat that, just to keep you guys interested. It shouldn’t be too hard, I’ve been offered 3. I’ll save the two books for one mega-eat-off. I’ll compare the tastes and then decide which is the better religion!

So, the Yellow Pages has gone. But this has just opened up new oppurtunities.

Which I closed quickly.

I browsed the internet, I searched for the best part of 15 minutes, I commited fraud (I think), but I did it.

I ordered the Quran

For free

I’m going to eat the fucking Quran.

It could take a while to arrive (The site said 4-8 weeks, so expect it in 2009) but in the mean time I’ll look for other copies of it in places to eat if I can get them sooner.

This blog now has become one man and his quest to get a Quran for free.

A man too lazy to go to a Mosque (Seriously, the closest is in Bristol, and that’s like £4 return on the train!).

A man with a mission.

A man with an appetite for paper.

Okay….

This will make me sound like I’m 12, but I’m not, fuck you.

My father was speaking to his friend about me eating the Yellow Pages, and his friend happens to know about the fact they put methanol in the ink, or on the paper, or on the roll cleaners or some shit. I don’t know exactly.

But what I do know, and his friend knows, and now he knows, is that methanol is VERY poisonous.

So he’s stolen my book.

He stole my fucking Yellow Pages.

But don’t worry, I can either find it (Not too hard, I imagine.) or get a new one (Also not too hard).

I have a page tally so I can just get right back on track if I have to get a new one (96 out of 1584, with only 1 time puking)

I WILL EAT THIS FUCKER

If not, I’ll eat a bible instead. Or maybe the Koran … or both, and compare which tastes better!!

Man, that’s such an awesome plan….

So, people requested pictures.

I shall provide pictures, and a fair few of them at that.

Bruce lee, eating some paper.

The Book

Eating the paper.

The set up (And a melodica)

More paper eating.

Washing down some paper.

Part eaten page.

There we go. I’ll take some more another time, as for now I am quite far behind and have a lot of paper eating to do.

I’m only on agricultural machinery.

(I ate all the coupons as well, and now I think my shit is worth money)

Right, I’m a bit behind on paper eating, been busier than I expected, but that just means I have to eat a lot this weekend, which is fine. I’m only on 20 pages, not the 156 I should be. (Okay, I’m very behind)

I’m getting used to eating the paper at least. I have to drink a lot of water though to get it down, which means I need to pee a lot. Also, as far as blocking goes that appears to be bullshit. I’m also getting used to eating more paper with less water, so that is helping.

I’ve never shat so much in my life. And they are good, easily-passed turds.

I’ve also decided that it’s much better to eat the pages in pairs. Once the pages are out I don’t want to leave them laying around.

There are a few issues with videos.  The camera I am using appears to have no microphone, so I can’t record sound (It’s old, but this is ridiculous.), i’ll find a way around it, probably using a phone or something. I would use my phone, but:

a) It can only record for a maximum of a minute

b) I can’t upload directly to the computer

c) It’s just shit.

and d) If I were to use my phone I would have to film it, infrared it to someone else, have them upload it to a computer and then send it to me, which is really inconvenient.

I’ll find a way around it, I pride myself on my resourcefulness.

I can take photos, which I will probably do this weekend and upload for the viewing pleasure of the internet.

Until next time, have a good day.

So … let’s begin….

I’ve got a cup of tea ready, it’s 4 minutes past 8 in the morning, I’m topless and my neck and back are a little stiff. The book is on my lap, and I guess now is the moment.

Oh God….

Page 1, contents, and page 2 on the back, emergencies … maybe I should save those numbers….

Well, I ripped it off quie easily.

And the first bite!! Tastes a bit … inky.

Into a ball and … swallowed. That wasn’ so tough, just got to do that for … a lot more paper.

So, while I eat I intend to inform you on what is going on . This evening I will make the video, it’s too early now and I can’t be arsed. I probably won’t be making that many videos at all, but do expect one at the end, whenever that is.

As for now I’m just going to keep eating paper. It’s easy when you wash it down with a drink….

ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit

Well, it’s nearly time, only a few hours remain. My last preparations aren’t exactly very numerous … to be honest I haven’t done anything. I’m just going to eat that fucker. Going in gun-ho to this. I’m going to get so ill…. But I cannot give up. I will not give. I have a mission, and that mission is to eat a Yellow Pages. 

Who knows, I might develop a taste for paper, or make a career out of this. I’ve got some old books, might be able to nosh them down as well. I really don’t have much to say at this moment, it’s all a bit surreal. Just spread the news as best you can. I’ll post links to the Youtube videos when I start recording them (If I ever start….).

My final words before I start?

OM NOM NOM

So, 4 days until I being.

And I’m having some serious worries about what shit may be in the paper. Paper that was probably bleached, and then the pages are dyed yellow, plus all the other ink on top of that. I’ve been seriously considering the soaking method to make the dye leach out of the paper, and for eating it I have also been a bit worried about what I will have to do.  Should I eat it plain, or should I go for the mixing method?

I’m starting to realise the full scale of dickishness I am about to embark upon.

Medical Checks

Also people are telling me to do some serious medical checks, and I can’t be arsed with that. I’m just going to eat it, film parts of it, update my blog, not shit for weeks, get really ill, and have everyone I know say ‘I told you so’.

Basically, I’m screwed. If I attempt to eat that much paper, and consume that much ink, no matter how I try it I’m fucked.

BUT LIKE FUCK AM I GIVING UP BEFORE IT’S EVEN STARTED

Also, thanks to the guy who made a page on Digg for this. You know who you are, you little scamp.

There we go, people. What I will be eating in all its yellow glory.

It is exactly a week to go now, and in the run-up to next Wednesday I’m going to try and get as much interest in this as possible through the internet. Build up a fan base of people wishing to know of my day-to-day paper eating struggles.

No videos yet, I intend to start making them as I draw closer to the start. Not much to say really, just try and spread the news to people you think would be interested.

Maybe we can have a live web-cam chat after I’m done….